*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
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Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked