I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
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Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
See..?
.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”