Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
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Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
had to make it
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.