Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
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Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.