RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
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It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.