Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
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[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
tinder is all about the long game
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today