Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
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My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
i will not be silenced
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.