*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
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They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?