[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
You Might Also Like
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah