[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
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You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos