[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
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Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.