[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
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i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
this FaceApp is creepy af
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Two types of dogs.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?