[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
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13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
The Birdles
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Just had my nails done!
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse