*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
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My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.