You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
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[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Merry Christmas
Not all heroes wear capes…
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.