Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
You Might Also Like
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT