[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
You Might Also Like
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.