“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
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Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
The pasta is now
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes