“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
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If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes