Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
You Might Also Like
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit