Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
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If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Golf would be better with landmines.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I’m crying im so happy for them
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I only treason on days ending in y
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days