Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
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before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Had a spot of bother earlier.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn