Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
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Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Phones down.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*