Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
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[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Attacked by a mop.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Not all heroes wear capes…
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.