Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
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Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?