Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
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Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.