“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
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me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress