Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
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I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
bias laundering edition
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Awesome parenting 😂
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.