[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
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1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I already tried new things thanks.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
relationship goals
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.