@AGreaterMonster: Rather than ever clean a window I just tell people they're frosted.
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@DaddyJew: Judge: order in the court, ORDER IN THE COURT Me on the witness stand:*lips pressed against the mic* 2 hot dogs and a milkshake, your honor
@KelgoreTrout: the easiest way to distinguish between their/there/they're is to remember that they are all different words
@MartaEffing: Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others? Me: Don't flip out, but I feel like you're asking me that to make yourself look smart.
@Ray_stephan: A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.