Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
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I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.