Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
You Might Also Like
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Lmbo
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.