Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
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When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem