Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
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Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Every. Damn. Time.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.