Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
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watergate? u mean a dam??
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
no their not
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]