Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
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Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.