@TheTweetOfGod: Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
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@truegritrumble: (First Day as an Interior Decorator) ME: I'm not sure this giant cross is right for this space. PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? [flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us] Me: discrimination
@JillBidenVeep: Not pictured: Joe waiting outside the door in his karate uniform ready to spring into action.
@electrolemon: game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]