@TheTweetOfGod: Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
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@chrissyteigen: Does the baby have access to my ribs? It feels like they're bars and she's an old timey prisoner with a tin mug
@Donna_McCoy: You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
@HeyZeus666: Some people will believe anything if you start with 'This is just between you and me'.