7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
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I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
When does CPR become necrophilia?
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.