Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
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Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Same pineapple, same
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.