Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
You Might Also Like
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder