Schrödinger’s cookie
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He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.