*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
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No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
time machine? you mean a clock?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I am patiently waiting for your email
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.