[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
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co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
When your best mate counts as a desk too
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.