[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
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[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.