*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
You Might Also Like
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Squirrels before girls.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.