*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
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hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
pictures of spider-man
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Being rude underwater is snarkeling