*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
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I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
All. The. Damn. Time.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”