Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
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Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Yup….perfect score!
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Ummm
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist