@zachreinert03: Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
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@LuvPug: To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
@WheelTod: I hate it when you're about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
@TheDailySchmuck: [Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant] Cop: You're under arrest. Me: What's the charge? [Lowers sunglasses] Cop: a salt and buttery.
@ArfMeasures: DOCTOR: Well, I can't find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking ME: Should I come back when you've sobered up?