Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
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I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
accurate
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.