“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
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Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.