@chuchugoogoo: "Read 'em and weep" I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent's handwritten love letters from WWII.
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@leahloveslovely: Vodka bottles should come printed with a crisis hotline number to call in the event you feel like texting your ex
@withanewname: [Installing ceiling fan] Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished! Wife on the phone: Is this Bob's fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
@internetluke: Boy, I hate small talk. *coworkers all grimace* He's right behind me isn't he? *Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*