“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
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Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Bed should get ready for ME
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing