@snmrrw: Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
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@Fred_Delicious: [penguin waddles into computer repair store] "Hi yes my laptop is frozen" ... Computer repair guy - "how did you get to Milwaukee"
@YouWillGo2Hell: Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you're sleeping.
@BoogTweets: Mom: Your son still won't do his laundry. Talk to him Dad: I'm not going in there Mom: Why Dad: Last week I stubbed my toe on 1 of his socks